Something I believe pretty much all women can relate to (and some men! I see you men!) - is the annual visit to pay dutiful penance to the medieval torture device otherwise known as a mammography machine. This device was clearly designed by people who hate women. Or at least women with breasts. Or men with breasts. Pretty much anyone with breasts. I went this month to see vlad the compressor who instead of impaling me, forced me to position myself in a way that injured my rotator cuff for the pleasure of smashing my breasts into a pancake between two unforgiving acrylic plates. Oh, and I had to hold still AND hold my breath while in this contorted, unforgiving position. All this only to be told that they weren’t able to smash my breast to a crepe-thin wisp instead of a fluffy pancake so I had to come back a week later to do it AGAIN, only this time with ultrasound too.

Now mammograms have been around for decades and there is compelling evidence that they help identify tissue abnormalities early. In fact, it did just that for me as a teenager when it revealed a DCIS tumor in my perky-denser-then-they-are now right breast (thank you DES!). So how is it decades later it isn’t possible to see what’s what in my far less perky but apparently still dense breasts (although my bra might argue given it has soft quit in lieu of actually supporting my demands)? Hmmmm…

In any event, I am NOT saying don’t get a mammogram. I AM saying that the designers and manufacturers of mammography devices need to spend some time with their mothers and heal whatever wounds they incurred as a child because she was exhausted with their incessant prattling on about all things star wars or star trek or whatever techno-obsession they had while she was trying to get a healthy dinner that they might actually eat on the table in 30 minutes after she got home from her own stressful workday that started before 6AM. Learn to appreciate your mothers and understand they did their best. Stop hurting women under the guise of potentially saving their lives. I have been feeling you medical device developers every day – and night – for the past three weeks because your stupid device injured my shoulder. I am not happy with the lot of you. DO BETTER!!!

For the record, Breast Ultrasound is not in any way painful and gives higher precision imaging. Why do we have to spend time with the compressor at all? I’m guessing money over compassionate logic. Feel free to comment with your thoughts.

Part 2 of this entry includes my recommendations for improvement around driving in traffic. If you see yourself anywhere on this list, you need to seriously do better:

1. Know how to merge and how to yields and how they mean different things. Mea culpa on this one when my school age sons reminded me that the sign said to yield and I had inadvertently merged and cut off another car that was hidden by an infrastructure barrier. They rightfully did NOT let me off the hook and told me that if I couldn’t see because of the barrier, I should have stopped and looked before just humming along into the open lane. Ooph! That was decades ago and I’ve never done that again. So, it IS possible to change and my request for everyone is to imagine the two angelic faces of little boys in the backseat telling their loving mother she was driving like a blind zombie and potential a$$hat. I do better now and so can you.

There was a time not that long ago where I could get in my car and drive where I wanted to go and not need to actively regulate my breathing to prevent anxiety and fury from overtaking what should be unaffected situational awareness for all who are doing likewise. Those days seem to be over and I am deeply grieving those better days that had their fair share of traffic and infrastructure annoyances peppered with the occasional reckless or clueless drivers, but not to the perpetuation of what currently feels like grand theft auto where all other players are ported over from a zombie apocalypse for the blind. No disrespect to those who are blind zombies, but blind humans generally understand that driving a motor vehicle is not beneficial to anyone else on the road (Al Pacino notwithstanding).  It’s really not ok and all humans need to be more mindful to do better (including me). Here are my recommendations for improvement and if you see yourself anywhere on this list, do better.

I remember when a phone call from your local fire department to raise money was an occasional interruption to life around the dinner hour. You could either respond yes or no and they would then leave you alone. Those were the days of civility and mutual respect that have been taken over by humans hiding behind bots to do their dirty work. I do not think this is a beneficial change in any capacity. In fact, I think it is extremely harmful, irresponsible, and meets the legal definition of harassment if we had a legal system that was even remotely interested in those things. But I digress.